Taking Back the Feminine

All right, so I saw the movie at a midnight premiere, but haven't had much time to write til now.

First of all, it was apparent that all the shrieking fangirls? Were not part of my audience. Thank Isis for small favors.

As for the movie itself: Keep in mind, I have not read the pieces of shit that are the books. I refuse, on ethical and moral grounds, which mainly consist of the fact that Bella Swan is the biggest Mary Sue since Barbie. And that book!Edward is a creepy 108 year old virgin who has all the makings of an abusive husband.

So, while I was very familiar with the characters, I didn't read the books, and I was able to actually enjoy the movie.

I don't care that they changed shit, and I don't care if the fans hate this.

I really liked the characters. Well, everyone except for Kristin Stewart. I'm sorry, she's not a good actress, and I personally think she's kind of ugly, to boot. The only time she looked halfway decent was during the prom scene, and let's face it, that's an epic failure of the fire hose test. (If a girl looks gorgeous and then you spray her with a fire hose, and she looks like shit, then she's only pretty with makeup. There's no natural beauty.)
Her acting was a little stiff and wooden, and putting her opposite Robert Pattison, who is a very steady actor, was insulting to the movie. Find a better actress for Bella, plzkthnx.

Charlie, Bella's dad, is, according to others, much more fleshed out in the film than he is in the book, and it did show, in the movie. He was very much a "goofy" dad without being overprotective in an unbelievable sense, and he was a real human being in the movie too. I liked him.

I must admit, again, my ignorance of that glorified fanfic, because I was STUNNED to see that Jacob was Native American. I was very impressed, but stunned. And they made some beautiful connections between werewolves and the tribe's history, and some broader connections into Celtic mythos and a bit into Inuit tradition as well. Whether or not that was intentional, I've no idea, but I appreciated it. Jacob didn't get much of a role, so I can't say much of the character, but I liked the history.

Edward...Edward Edward Edward. RPatz, I adore you. You played Edward as a masochistic self-hater, and I LOVED that. He is still a creepy stalker who BREAKS INTO BELLA'S HOUSE AND WATCHES HER SLEEP, and who will still turn out to be an abusive asshole, but I love you for recognizing that and PLAYING HIM ANYWAY.

The Cullens...are an AWESOME, protective family. I want to be in their family. Unfortunately, having to date Edward is too high a price. I LOVE the way they protected Bella during the baseball game, and I LOVE how Carlyle just took it for granted that Bella was part of their family, pretty much the minute Edward saved her life. Esmee is BEAUTIFUL, Amy is sweet, Jaspar...needs to be fucked, and hard, to lose some of his nervousness, and the blonde chick...Esmile, or whatever, is a fucking btich, and I really wanted to put her on the ground and stomp her eyeballs out with my high heels. I hate beautiful bitches with grudges. Her lover made no impact.

Basically, I liked the movie, and I want to see it again, mainly because a friend who HAD read the books was sitting next to me kept harping about how everything "wasn't in the book" and I just wanted her to SHUT UP so I could watch the film.

Next time, I will go alone, although I do like seeing movies for the first time with a group.


Overall rating: B-; really should see it again to be sure. Maybe I can coerce Tom or Dana to come with.

ETA: Okay, Kristen Stewart redeems herself a little bit (in the brains department, at least), by commenting that she really believes Bella is a masochist, and that every time Edward comes closer to hurting her, the more she likes it. Then again, this IS the character who wants to fuck a popsicle, so I'm sure she enjoys Edward's physical abuse too.

dumblydore, I am looking specifically at you.

I yanked this from cleolinda, because I love her JUST THAT MUCH...and because this is too damn good not to fuck up your friend's pages with.

From an interview with Empire magazine:

"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."


RPattz, I LOVE YOU. I love you for being REALISTIC about Edward Cullen, for accepting that he is Stephanie Meyers sekrit lover, for understanding that the author WROTE A GARY STU IN ALL BUT NAME.

I mean, at least when you got to play Cedric, you brought depth and humanity to the character. (Rowling, I love you, and I love the humility book!Cedric displayed, but Pattison brought him TO LIFE.)

Also? The manic-depressive self-hatred that Pattison is bringing to the role will become the SOLE reason I see this film. Also the 108 virgin who clearly needs unburdening of that particular problem, but don't look at me to do it!

(The Twilight fans will be more than happy to whore themselves out for the chance to "fuck a popsicle".)

Seriously, Meyers, you took the vampiric world and FUCKED IT IN THE ASS. I'm not even sure how you managed that (dildo of epic proportions, maybe?), but SIRIUSLY!

For the love of Bram Stoker and Gary Oldman (I love you, Oldman), vampires are not HARD. Well, not like that anyway, and they aren't ICE COLD either. What planet are you residing in? Did you DO your research? Wait, that's a rhetorical question.

And sparkly? SPARKLY? Are they all going through the glittery discoquethe of the seventies here? Is there a shagmobile involved?

They're vampires, Meyers. They're very pale. They don't SPARKLE like a drag queen in a pride parade!

Meyers, my friend, you clearly have issues. And not just with your writing.